3 weeks after returning from Vienna, the memories of my most dreadful week have all but faded. They exist in my mind as a jumbled series of blurred images. memories that almost are. Things have changed so much in this little amount of time that it's as if, for me, Austria never happened. But it did, and that little fact has made all the difference because now I am truly content and free to move forward with my life-free to live it as MY life.
From the way I write, you'd think the family beat me or raped me repeatedly, but they didn't. Yes, they were HIGHLY critical. Yes, they expected more of me than I was prepared to give. Yes, they were slobs. And, yes, their children were undisciplined-which is something of an understatement. But, in all honesty, these things aren't the whole reason I came home.
By Tuesday night, I realized that my priorities were not what I had thought they were. I had thought that I needed to do something grand, move away on my own, and chase my "dreams," in order to be happy. But, lying in my bed that night, I realized that I already was happy. or had been. I just hadn't known it. The life I had at home was, for the time being, the one I wanted. Well, aside from the fact that it had no immediately foresee-able professional future haha, of course, but that's a solvable problem!
By going to Austria, I lost that happiness almost immediately, and, no matter what I tried, I couldnt muster it again because nothing there mattered to me. My zest for life had ceased to be, and the tools I needed to revive it were gone. The dreams that I thought were my dreams-namely, to sing abroad and the like-I realized were actually the dreams of other people for me. And, the idea that I needed to be sure I didnt sell myself short by doing something grand I discovered was ludicrous because, if you're happy, then you havent sold yourself short no matter what you're doing or where you're doing it. Forfeiting joy is the only way to sell yourself short and achieving it is something truly grand.
Finally, the people I loved more than anything-and I don't just mean the people that I loved more than any other people. I mean the people I loved more than ANYTHING. More than traveling. More than singing. More than new experiences. More than financial stability. More than anything. THOSE people were here. In Missouri. True-many of them would graduate and move within the year, but I didnt have to miss our last months together. And, nothing was keeping me from enjoying them but Vienna. The distance I had created arbitrarily.
I wanted to be with the people I love. I wanted to be happy. I had no reason to stay. And so, I needed to go home.
The fact that my living situation was unbearable was convenient.
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