Twas thee my mind recalled this morningtide,
When hummingbird so kissed the flower's crux.
Cozy embrace, for 'tis nature's decide;
With lucid peace and blissfulness efflux.
Elegance gone with hopeful refreshed eyes;
A myth hazy with truth fallest by clock,
As Earth reclaims her right and beauty dies;
A mist of hope captive to torture's lock.
But thou do grasp tenderly strings of soul,
Always floating, waltzing in mind's corsage.
And thou bring clock's icy keeping to lull,
Thy grace twinkling beyond wordly mirage.
Grim's thief of nature's charm I can't explain
But immortal in my heart thee remain.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
A $2500 Lesson Passed on for Free!
3 weeks after returning from Vienna, the memories of my most dreadful week have all but faded. They exist in my mind as a jumbled series of blurred images. memories that almost are. Things have changed so much in this little amount of time that it's as if, for me, Austria never happened. But it did, and that little fact has made all the difference because now I am truly content and free to move forward with my life-free to live it as MY life.
From the way I write, you'd think the family beat me or raped me repeatedly, but they didn't. Yes, they were HIGHLY critical. Yes, they expected more of me than I was prepared to give. Yes, they were slobs. And, yes, their children were undisciplined-which is something of an understatement. But, in all honesty, these things aren't the whole reason I came home.
By Tuesday night, I realized that my priorities were not what I had thought they were. I had thought that I needed to do something grand, move away on my own, and chase my "dreams," in order to be happy. But, lying in my bed that night, I realized that I already was happy. or had been. I just hadn't known it. The life I had at home was, for the time being, the one I wanted. Well, aside from the fact that it had no immediately foresee-able professional future haha, of course, but that's a solvable problem!
By going to Austria, I lost that happiness almost immediately, and, no matter what I tried, I couldnt muster it again because nothing there mattered to me. My zest for life had ceased to be, and the tools I needed to revive it were gone. The dreams that I thought were my dreams-namely, to sing abroad and the like-I realized were actually the dreams of other people for me. And, the idea that I needed to be sure I didnt sell myself short by doing something grand I discovered was ludicrous because, if you're happy, then you havent sold yourself short no matter what you're doing or where you're doing it. Forfeiting joy is the only way to sell yourself short and achieving it is something truly grand.
Finally, the people I loved more than anything-and I don't just mean the people that I loved more than any other people. I mean the people I loved more than ANYTHING. More than traveling. More than singing. More than new experiences. More than financial stability. More than anything. THOSE people were here. In Missouri. True-many of them would graduate and move within the year, but I didnt have to miss our last months together. And, nothing was keeping me from enjoying them but Vienna. The distance I had created arbitrarily.
I wanted to be with the people I love. I wanted to be happy. I had no reason to stay. And so, I needed to go home.
The fact that my living situation was unbearable was convenient.
From the way I write, you'd think the family beat me or raped me repeatedly, but they didn't. Yes, they were HIGHLY critical. Yes, they expected more of me than I was prepared to give. Yes, they were slobs. And, yes, their children were undisciplined-which is something of an understatement. But, in all honesty, these things aren't the whole reason I came home.
By Tuesday night, I realized that my priorities were not what I had thought they were. I had thought that I needed to do something grand, move away on my own, and chase my "dreams," in order to be happy. But, lying in my bed that night, I realized that I already was happy. or had been. I just hadn't known it. The life I had at home was, for the time being, the one I wanted. Well, aside from the fact that it had no immediately foresee-able professional future haha, of course, but that's a solvable problem!
By going to Austria, I lost that happiness almost immediately, and, no matter what I tried, I couldnt muster it again because nothing there mattered to me. My zest for life had ceased to be, and the tools I needed to revive it were gone. The dreams that I thought were my dreams-namely, to sing abroad and the like-I realized were actually the dreams of other people for me. And, the idea that I needed to be sure I didnt sell myself short by doing something grand I discovered was ludicrous because, if you're happy, then you havent sold yourself short no matter what you're doing or where you're doing it. Forfeiting joy is the only way to sell yourself short and achieving it is something truly grand.
Finally, the people I loved more than anything-and I don't just mean the people that I loved more than any other people. I mean the people I loved more than ANYTHING. More than traveling. More than singing. More than new experiences. More than financial stability. More than anything. THOSE people were here. In Missouri. True-many of them would graduate and move within the year, but I didnt have to miss our last months together. And, nothing was keeping me from enjoying them but Vienna. The distance I had created arbitrarily.
I wanted to be with the people I love. I wanted to be happy. I had no reason to stay. And so, I needed to go home.
The fact that my living situation was unbearable was convenient.
Monday, September 22, 2008
The Rest of the Story-Part 1
And, now that it doesn't so much matter what I say, I'll tell the truth. Not that anything I've written up til now has been a lie, but, now, I won't omit anything. Post by post, I vow to tell you everything that happened during the 7 days I was in Vienna. Here Goes.
After travel plans progress to a certain point, you can't really take them back. For me, that means that, though I started to have second thoughts 2 weeks or so before I left, it was pretty much a done deal after I bought my plane tickets. $660 worth of one-way plane tickets and my future was locked in for the next year. Of course, I never would have said anything or seriously considered changing my plans because I notoriously change my mind about everything having to do with my professional life at some point. In the last year alone, I've been certain I wanted to join Teach for America, join the Peace Corps, give graduate school a try, volunteer in London, and move to Vienna. I'm indecisive about my future, and I'm self-aware enough to know that. In the game of chance that my life became after college, Vienna won because I committed myself financially, and, ultimately, I didn't fight it because I didnt think I had anything better to do.
And, I was really excited to go to Vienna! Don't get me wrong. I thought going there as an aupair was the ideal plan for me. The perfect next step from which I could realize many of my other goals. For example, I wanted to go and sing! Audition! Find a voice teacher! Start a music career! I imagined myself learning and speaking fluent German, becoming unbelievably culturally aware, and even taking cooking classes. I scoured the city guide books and made plans for places places I'd visit, sights I'd see, and people I'd meet. In my most private thoughts, I even dreamed that "Mr. Right" was waiting for me in Europe. So, never doubt that I was sincerely and fully thrilled to be going to Vienna.
And yet, somehow, when i got on the plane to leave, I wasnt. My plane out of Springfield was delayed by 2 hours, which was almost long enough for me to miss my connection in Chicago that would take me to Frankfurt. Sitting on the tarmac, I joked that maybe it was a sign, but, inside, I was beginning to suspect that I had indeed made the wrong decision and that going to Austria for a year wasnt really what I wanted to do. I privately wondered how long I needed to wait for my flight to leave before I could legitimately call the whole trip a bust.
Maybe these foreboding thoughts were warnings of what lie ahead-Foreshadowings if you will. But, Second thoughts are a normal part of life for me, so I labeled them 'jitters,' got out my guidebooks in an attempt to renew my excitement, and ignored my misgivings.
After travel plans progress to a certain point, you can't really take them back. For me, that means that, though I started to have second thoughts 2 weeks or so before I left, it was pretty much a done deal after I bought my plane tickets. $660 worth of one-way plane tickets and my future was locked in for the next year. Of course, I never would have said anything or seriously considered changing my plans because I notoriously change my mind about everything having to do with my professional life at some point. In the last year alone, I've been certain I wanted to join Teach for America, join the Peace Corps, give graduate school a try, volunteer in London, and move to Vienna. I'm indecisive about my future, and I'm self-aware enough to know that. In the game of chance that my life became after college, Vienna won because I committed myself financially, and, ultimately, I didn't fight it because I didnt think I had anything better to do.
And, I was really excited to go to Vienna! Don't get me wrong. I thought going there as an aupair was the ideal plan for me. The perfect next step from which I could realize many of my other goals. For example, I wanted to go and sing! Audition! Find a voice teacher! Start a music career! I imagined myself learning and speaking fluent German, becoming unbelievably culturally aware, and even taking cooking classes. I scoured the city guide books and made plans for places places I'd visit, sights I'd see, and people I'd meet. In my most private thoughts, I even dreamed that "Mr. Right" was waiting for me in Europe. So, never doubt that I was sincerely and fully thrilled to be going to Vienna.
And yet, somehow, when i got on the plane to leave, I wasnt. My plane out of Springfield was delayed by 2 hours, which was almost long enough for me to miss my connection in Chicago that would take me to Frankfurt. Sitting on the tarmac, I joked that maybe it was a sign, but, inside, I was beginning to suspect that I had indeed made the wrong decision and that going to Austria for a year wasnt really what I wanted to do. I privately wondered how long I needed to wait for my flight to leave before I could legitimately call the whole trip a bust.
Maybe these foreboding thoughts were warnings of what lie ahead-Foreshadowings if you will. But, Second thoughts are a normal part of life for me, so I labeled them 'jitters,' got out my guidebooks in an attempt to renew my excitement, and ignored my misgivings.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Continued from Yesterday continued from September 13th
I climbed the stairs to the third floor of the Art History Museum to discover that the only thing there was a coin collection! Now, I don't care about coins, but, since I had made the effort to go up there, I decided to take a gander. And, may I just say that I was impressed!-not because of the specimens themselves but because the collection was HUGE! It was unbelievable.
Then, as I was turning to go back downstairs to the partially emasculated statues and such, I saw a visa card in a display case...??? It wasn't even a real visa but merely one of those cheaps, fake visas like you'd receive in a mail solicitation. Hundreds of priceless, ancient coins, and one piece of plastic that would be in my trash can now had it arrived in my mail. I couldnt read the German title for this display, but the other objects in it lead me surmise that it was something along the lines of "From Seashells to plastic: The Evolution of Currency through the Centuries." Oddly enough, this really made me think. Today, we think seashells are worthless while a plastic card has nearly infinite value potential. At one time, I could have bought a loaf of bread and maybe a donkey with a few well selected seashells, but a plastic card would have gotten me nothing except a few perplexed looks. Currency only has value because we, as a global society, agree that it has. Otherwise, it's worth is nothing more than an illusion.
Tune in tomorrow (or possibly Thursday, depending on when I have time to post) for the scoop on what happened later on September 13 and how I ended up back in Springfield. It'll be the back story that I haven't been blogging ;)
Then, as I was turning to go back downstairs to the partially emasculated statues and such, I saw a visa card in a display case...??? It wasn't even a real visa but merely one of those cheaps, fake visas like you'd receive in a mail solicitation. Hundreds of priceless, ancient coins, and one piece of plastic that would be in my trash can now had it arrived in my mail. I couldnt read the German title for this display, but the other objects in it lead me surmise that it was something along the lines of "From Seashells to plastic: The Evolution of Currency through the Centuries." Oddly enough, this really made me think. Today, we think seashells are worthless while a plastic card has nearly infinite value potential. At one time, I could have bought a loaf of bread and maybe a donkey with a few well selected seashells, but a plastic card would have gotten me nothing except a few perplexed looks. Currency only has value because we, as a global society, agree that it has. Otherwise, it's worth is nothing more than an illusion.
Tune in tomorrow (or possibly Thursday, depending on when I have time to post) for the scoop on what happened later on September 13 and how I ended up back in Springfield. It'll be the back story that I haven't been blogging ;)
Monday, September 15, 2008
What I meant to write on September 13
I woke up this morning and new that it was going to be a difficult day. very difficult. I knew what I needed to do, and I felt sick to my stomach about it. Unfortunately (or, as I would later realize, fortunately) the family wasn't home when I got up, so the issues of the day would have to wait until later.
With that, I went to the Art History Museum in the Museum Quarter of Vienna where they have a lot of ancient Roman and Egyptian artifacts and Renaissance art. It's really a must-see of the city.
In the Roman exhibit, there was a room that I'll call the 'Hall of Heads' because, in it, were several rows of stone busts. I was struck by the fact that most of these sculptures were head-only, but several depicted some Roman individual's likeness from the shoulders up. Perhaps, in rome, how much you were willing to spend on your portrait determined how much of your body you could afford to have sculpted-like when you buy pictures at Wal-mart and and the number of people per sitting or the number of poses you would like to buy determines your total cost. One Roman in the Hall of Heads was an entire body and a floating head, which lead me to conclude that necks must have been VERY expensive.
While amidst the Roman artifacts, I also noticed another interesting trend among the several anatomically correct, nude, male statues. (For the purpose of this discussion, I'll refer to a man's genitalia as a tree and boulders) On all but the smallest of these works of art, the tree had long since snapped off. Therefore, bigger may be better but perhaps the small endure. Just something to consider.
Fact: The statues are not circumcised.
In the Egyptian exhibits, there are several mummies. I assume they were real, although I can't be totally sure. Still, what would you do if, in 3000 years, your body was not really considered to be a deceased human being but was, rather, a museum exhibit to be oggled non-chalantly by the living? I suppose I wouldnt care because I'd be dead, but it's still an interesting thought.
With that, I went to the Art History Museum in the Museum Quarter of Vienna where they have a lot of ancient Roman and Egyptian artifacts and Renaissance art. It's really a must-see of the city.
In the Roman exhibit, there was a room that I'll call the 'Hall of Heads' because, in it, were several rows of stone busts. I was struck by the fact that most of these sculptures were head-only, but several depicted some Roman individual's likeness from the shoulders up. Perhaps, in rome, how much you were willing to spend on your portrait determined how much of your body you could afford to have sculpted-like when you buy pictures at Wal-mart and and the number of people per sitting or the number of poses you would like to buy determines your total cost. One Roman in the Hall of Heads was an entire body and a floating head, which lead me to conclude that necks must have been VERY expensive.
While amidst the Roman artifacts, I also noticed another interesting trend among the several anatomically correct, nude, male statues. (For the purpose of this discussion, I'll refer to a man's genitalia as a tree and boulders) On all but the smallest of these works of art, the tree had long since snapped off. Therefore, bigger may be better but perhaps the small endure. Just something to consider.
Fact: The statues are not circumcised.
In the Egyptian exhibits, there are several mummies. I assume they were real, although I can't be totally sure. Still, what would you do if, in 3000 years, your body was not really considered to be a deceased human being but was, rather, a museum exhibit to be oggled non-chalantly by the living? I suppose I wouldnt care because I'd be dead, but it's still an interesting thought.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Stephansplatz: The Great Search for Viennese Friends, Part 1
On the advice of a very attractive guy (I guess I have a weakness for sexy men ;)) who knows more about Vienna than I do, I went to stephansplatz today with the intention to meet people because I only know the family with whom I live. I'm a pretty independent person, but it would be fantastic to have some folks to hit the clubs or go to shows and things with. at this point, my goal is to make a few "starter friends." You know the first people you meet in a new place who you hang out with initially though you quickly realize that they will never be your favorite people, but you keep them around because through them you meet OTHER people who you do like.
Anyway, I never found what, by his description, seems to be the Viennese mecca of international students, but I did find what I think is the oldest church in Vienna, the Jewish Museum, The Mozart house/museum, a rad street band, an English church! (where I'll definitely be on Sunday because I think it'll be a good place to meet some friendly folk), and a group of students from California touring Vienna this week. They were awesome, and we had lunch! Unfortuantely, they are only here until Friday morning. C'est la vie!
Discovery of the Day:
"Breaking Dawn" is available in paperback here but not in the states! What an outrage.
Anyway, I never found what, by his description, seems to be the Viennese mecca of international students, but I did find what I think is the oldest church in Vienna, the Jewish Museum, The Mozart house/museum, a rad street band, an English church! (where I'll definitely be on Sunday because I think it'll be a good place to meet some friendly folk), and a group of students from California touring Vienna this week. They were awesome, and we had lunch! Unfortuantely, they are only here until Friday morning. C'est la vie!
Discovery of the Day:
"Breaking Dawn" is available in paperback here but not in the states! What an outrage.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Happy Birthday, Mr. President
When we went to pick up Oscar from school yesterday, Norbert decided to put the radio on, stopped on a station and said "Oh, this song is funny," and then started singing slong to 'Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend!' It was slightly awkward because we were both uptight about me driving in Vienna, and then he started this sing along-which for him was more like a Schonberg sprechstimme (that's speak singing)! Then he said, "You're better than marilyn monroe." The whole thing was so un-expected! I almost laughed out loud right there!!!
Lesson of the day: Wear better shoes. I really thought that I walked enough at home to know that the shoes I wear there would be sufficiently comfortable to wear here. But, oh-em-gee-No! I don't have blisters yet, but from now on I have to wear my jellies, flip flops, and ballet flats sparingly. *tear*
Walking along Thaliastrasse this afternoon I found a store that seemed to have some interesting good. I wasnt sure what kind of store it was, but the door was opened, so I just walked in. Immediately, I knew it was a thrift store. Apparently, when one man's secondhand goods combine with another man's second hand goods, the smell is the same worldwide. haha
Lesson of the day: Wear better shoes. I really thought that I walked enough at home to know that the shoes I wear there would be sufficiently comfortable to wear here. But, oh-em-gee-No! I don't have blisters yet, but from now on I have to wear my jellies, flip flops, and ballet flats sparingly. *tear*
Walking along Thaliastrasse this afternoon I found a store that seemed to have some interesting good. I wasnt sure what kind of store it was, but the door was opened, so I just walked in. Immediately, I knew it was a thrift store. Apparently, when one man's secondhand goods combine with another man's second hand goods, the smell is the same worldwide. haha
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